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Old 04-12-2009, 12:21 PM   #251
Luminari
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Old 04-12-2009, 12:41 PM   #252
Brinty
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I warn you, this one will spoil your Easter


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It said:
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
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Old 04-12-2009, 01:00 PM   #253
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brinty View Post
I warn you, this one will spoil your Easter


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Old 04-12-2009, 04:18 PM   #254
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two flies come to a restaurant. a waiter approaches them and asks what they want to order.
" a piece of s.....t for me please" one fly says.
"for me also a piece of s...t, but with onion" says the other.

"Why did you order yours with onion?" the first one asks - "You'll have a bad breath".
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Old 04-12-2009, 07:04 PM   #255
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Why don't women have enough time during the day to finish all their work?






Because they sleep at night so the workload gets bigger.
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Old 04-12-2009, 07:06 PM   #256
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A man comes to the doctor and says; "I have had a very bad memory".
Doctor: "How long?"
Man: "How long what?"
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Old 04-12-2009, 08:31 PM   #257
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David Letterman interviewing what appeared to be a spaced out Joachin Phoenix
"I'm really sorry Joachin couldn't be here today".
The response? A blank stare from the illustrious Mr Phoenix !!!
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Old 04-18-2009, 12:28 AM   #258
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The Lone Ranger was captured by the Indians.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger? In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request ?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request ?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blond.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to The Lone Ranger's tent.


Once they're alone, The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,


Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID .....

"BRING POSSE"
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:16 AM   #259
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I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to exam table cover paper.

Well, in my book, this one should get the prize....

One of our doctor buddies e-mailed back:

'If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician.'












I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to exam table cover paper.

Well, in my book, this one should get the prize....
















One of our doctor buddies e-mailed back: 'If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician.'
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:19 AM   #260
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great stuff.

What’s the difference between ignorance, apathy and ambivalence? I don’t know and I don’t care one way or the other.
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Old 04-27-2009, 10:37 PM   #261
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a trout stream fly fishing below. She
shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'

'I am,' replied the fisherman. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the fly fisherman, 'you don't know where you are or where
you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
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Old 04-27-2009, 11:06 PM   #262
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A Funny thing happened on the way to the End of the World...

It didn't...

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Old 04-27-2009, 11:15 PM   #263
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Heard this one from my grandson, he was watching a clip of the new Star Trek film when the presenter told this joke.
First man......."How many ears does Spock have?"
second man....."Er two."
First man........"No three,,,,, he has one right ear one left ear........ then points to his forehead and says and this is his final frontier.

Yeah ooooooo i know it's a bad one but it made me laugh
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Old 04-28-2009, 03:11 AM   #264
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Which came first the chicken or the egg? The rooster came first.
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Old 04-28-2009, 11:19 AM   #265
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 246 View Post
Which came first the chicken or the egg? The rooster came first.
That's eggzactly right.
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:23 PM   #266
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Swine flu is not a problem for the pigs as they are all going to be cured anyway

I think I've got swine flu, I'm coming out in rashers



Just been on the phone to the NHS about swine flu but all I'm getting is crackling



Thomas cook are doing cheap deals to Mexico
£99 one way. Now there's an offer not to be sneezed at
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:24 PM   #267
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Dont do this



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Old 04-29-2009, 09:21 PM   #268
Brinty
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swanny View Post
Swine flu is not a problem for the pigs as they are all going to be cured anyway

I think I've got swine flu, I'm coming out in rashers



Just been on the phone to the NHS about swine flu but all I'm getting is crackling



Thomas cook are doing cheap deals to Mexico
£99 one way. Now there's an offer not to be sneezed at
In the words of Al Jolson's song . . . .

Swanny, how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old Swanny.
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Old 04-30-2009, 06:12 PM   #269
Swanny
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Opps double post

Last edited by Swanny; 04-30-2009 at 06:15 PM.
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Old 04-30-2009, 06:15 PM   #270
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Maximum media paranoia formula

This one is best




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Old 04-30-2009, 06:20 PM   #271
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Ha Ha! Swanny, like the ad, there are so many jokes going around about this pandemic at the moment.
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Old 04-30-2009, 08:47 PM   #272
Brinty
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Having been raised on Winnie The Pooh as a kid Swanny, I loved the one about Pooh and Piglet. I laughed so hard I almost didn't make it to the loo.
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Old 04-30-2009, 08:50 PM   #273
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Funny Swanny!!
Brinty it reminds me of a Stephen Foster song............
"Way down upon the suwanee river,far, far away"
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Old 04-30-2009, 09:02 PM   #274
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The favorite "cure" for a cold when I was a youngster was having my chest rubbed with camphorated oil. Its fumes would make your eyes water and catch in your throat - still, it seemed to work.

Maybe for pigs, the cure would be to rub in plenty of oinkment.
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Old 04-30-2009, 09:10 PM   #275
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The "Oinkment" they want us to use for the "cure"








[/QUOTE]
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