Hello all...
I want to come back to this thread to say something.. though I realise am in danger of re-highlighting a post that appears negative.. and I dont want to re-start any clashes.. with anyone!!
I'm here to say I'm really sorry if I offended anyone by my posts in this thread. Even though the essence of the points raised by Astropsyche did/do resonate with me personally in a certain sense ... I'm not sure if my feeling/intent was the same as how it came across.. as I was truly not meaning to 'attack' anyone here.. nor as a general 'attack' on this forum! I really didn't mean my comments to be taken as a blanket statement about PA/PC, nor all its mods/members, which I realise is how it might have looked. Yes, I was unhappy with a certain mod who behaved less than civilly to me last week, but that wasn't why I came back to Avalon to post nor what I was orignially trying to convey.
I really didn't mean to cause any offence or upset, and I'm sorry if I did folks. I considered (yesterday) editing my posts, but felt that was in some way evading responsibility or might appear like trying to hide something ?? .. so I left them alone and instead taken time to think about the whole thing and examine my conscience/self before posting here now.
my wording wasn't quite as calm or clear as I felt/intended.. (sometimes I wish email/writing could be HEARD as well as read, as our 'tone' can so easily be misread!) ... and yes, possibly subconsciously I was still feeling a tad upset/unfairly treated and shocked by what had happened with my posts/one of mods the previous week... I felt that whole thing was harsh/unreasonable and felt like I was being 'lumped in' with others who were seemingly being classed as 'troublemakers' or having some personal axe to grind against PA/PC.. which absoutely wasn't the case with me at all..
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I have no connections with ANYONE on PC/PA, nor any other forum or site, nor any axe to grind or personal agenda. I truly joined here last month with an open & happy heart, to learn / share / grow like anyone, and relieved to have found somewhere discussing the issues that mean a lot to me.
As Astropsyche said in his/her last post, I too was including myself in the 'maybe we're all sat here navel-gazing too much' train of thought.. I had been seriously questioning myself about sitting here on PA/PC (and internet in general) so much, when there's so much to be done out in the 'real' world... I know I personally question myself LOTS on how much time/resources I spend doing things for 'ME' vs 'OTHERS'... especially as i am mostly unable to physcially get out and about to actively 'DO' things due to health (or lack of it! lol) .... and truth is, I had (after last weeks events) been feeling/wondering if PA/PC was a bit like a closed/cliquey "club" in some ways.... maybe also because I'm new to Forums/internet chat in general ?
I've always been passionate about injustices/helping others in this world who are suffering or being mistreated, that's my own journey, if that makes me an "aspiring humanitarian" (or anything else) in someone else's eyes, that's ok.... maybe I come across as too intense when trying to put forward my views.. ? possibly too many years being so political or active/vocal in trying to 'change the system' ?!
I know PA/PC is not about humanitarian/aid/charity work.. but in some strange way, to me these issues are not unlinked/disconnected from the overall purpose of PA .... or the coming events!!! I feel such a strong sense of injustice and indifference in this world to the plights/suffering of so many others (the 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality of so many).. just as I feel same way about the way the PTB/controllers of this world treat all us 'minions' etc... for me, the coming events/ascension/whatever is going to happen, is about people coming together/helping others, be it global scale or local... we just all have differing perceptions of what it is we feel we need to do I guess...
for me, I really do sometimes sit and wonder to myself 'who the hell am I to be sat around thinking/reasearching about 2012, or whether I get taken out by a global flood, or earthquake, or whether UFO's will land, or Spirit will walk the earth, or if it'll be the 'nightmare scenario' some folks think.. when there's millions of folks with no food to eat today or tmorrow, nor a glass of clean water to drink, let alone a safe place to sleep?'.... I really DO question myself about these things. Lots. But please understand.... thats just MY own path, MY stuff, MY experieince and MY personal feelings/thoughts. I'm NOT saying it has to be yours !!!!
I get myself through my worst days (in terms of health/pain/symptoms) by reminding myself that there's so many suffering in MUCH greater ways than me.. and finding reasons to feel thankful to at least be alive/on this earth to see another day. Point is, I never ever meant to guilt-trip or lecture anyone else at all... we all have reasons to feel grateful, and we do all have our own paths to tread... this is just mine.
I try to share my thoughts/views in here, not impose them.. I realise I tend to write a lot, and also I write down exactly as my thoughts/feelings happen.. (old habits die hard I guess!) .. so it can be a bit like a 'stream of consciousness' as opposed to pre-planned/edited highlights of what's running through my mind! I also often have great difficulty writing/typing due to my condition, so it can take a LONG time for me write a post and by time I've finished writing I'm sometimes not feeling great (pain) so just hit "Submit Reply" without re-reading what I've written...Not an excuse, but does explain a bit! It's just how I write.. I suppose it either makes for interesting reading, or is a great cure for terminal insomnia, depending upon your personal view!!
Anyway, I certainly didn't mean to be judgemental or demeaning to anyone here in expressing how I was feeling/thinking since last week. I HAD been questioning myself and my own navel-gazing, as well as whether or not to return to PA after last weeks events ... and when I looked in and saw someone else voicing what I'd been mulling over.. and I just jumped in feet first!
Anyroads.. I just wanted to apologise if I upset anyone. I tried to say in my posts that I was not referring to all here... but maybe I didn't take enough care/time over wording what I was trying to say, and ended up giving a skewed impression, of my point of view, and of myself. Certainly I seem to have elicited quite a strong reaction from some folks, and whether all their comments/views about me/what sort of person I am are warranted or justified is not for me to say/judge...
but I will take more care in future about how I share my feelings/views here
!
Humble apologies
p.s. Astropsyche.. why not give it another shot? There's soom good folk, and well intentioned folk in here.. and possibly like me, what you were trying to say in your thread didn't come across quite as intended?? Up to you!