I will not judge you my friend, We will all face our demons at on time or another in life. The law of one readings are a set of books that hold great truth and meaning for me, go to this link
http://www.lawofone.info. It makes my heart happy to see your honest words and find a soul that seeks. I will pray and meditate for peace of mind for you.
As for where do I run, I run to the wilderness to seek peace, that is where the love and strength of the Earth flows over me and heals my soul.