[BROOK]

Shaynard...you have no idea how divinely guided your words are.

After the realization of carrying keeping him here for 35 years after his death..I let him go. And said my good byes..the good bye I never had a chance to do the first time. And one thing I said was..that I was sorry for keeping him here for all that time. His answer to me was..."It's only in the blink of an eye, don't sweat it".

Yes that is true...but here in this time construct...it's still a life time.

SteveX...how I have dealt with this is as described above. With ambition, denial, and substitute.

I have become a very savvy business woman, a good mother...to not only the child we had together, but two more...and experienced two failed marriages in the process.

I do not believe I am clinically depressed..however my emotional body from time to time is a mess...and I have even recently lost a friend over it. I have MAJOR abandonment issues (imagine that) A very disturbing thing for me to accept that for some reason..It just is something that if I have to experience this 3D existence here...it seems to be the only way I can manage.

That experience alone has shown me that..as long as I'm here...I am all alone in this..and I will survive here for as long as my time allows..but the love that was once there...will never be had by me until I am gone..and meet him again.

Will I experience the love of my beautiful children..yes...do I see beauty around...yes...but I truly do not have the one I love to share it with..and that is something I will never be able to fathom in this incarnation....because I miss that sharing of love in that sense...and it seems it cannot be achieved by me...as much as I would like it to be so.