[tintagelcave]

Hi YellowCosmicSeed, I am a YellowCosmicStar and after I read your message, I decided to step in to give some advise. I have no experience with abuse myself. I take care of children a lot and know about distress in them.
I think you need to work on the issue of abuse with another human, any human you can trust and accept. I know of a healing way, that Brandon Bays uses with herself and others, it's called The Healing Journey and you can do it with someone who can guide you through this Journey. Actually it's a book also. It's a great way of combining creativity and awakening emotions, allowing you to create your own path in this Journey, without prescribed methods. To be with someone is a great support in allowing yourself to process emotions that are strong, as probably is the case, as you mention a passive attitude and PTS. Aren't these labels actually a bit crazy? You have every right to create a shield, to be able to cope with daily life, but I understand it's no fun for you, as it is. When you are ready for help, I think someone who is familiar with Brandon Bays work, can help you. In fact, any experienced healer that is familiar with the subject of abuse, when coming from the heart, can be a support for you.
Doing it on your own can create a feedback loop, where it's hard to pick yourself up, out of the quicksand, so to speak. I wish you courage and a forgiving heart, YellowCosmicSeed!