Hi ex-christian, I understand your initial experiences very well, of freeing yourself of the guilt and shame prison-system of the church. My father was a preacher and we, 9 children and my mother, sat on the front row in the church. I felt we had to be examples for the whole community and all eyes were upon us/me. I learned to be able to hold myself upright amidst of that!
With fast pounding heart and poise.
At the same time, I had to live with the realisation that my father was a completely different person "on stage" as a preacher, than the person he was at home. So, from a very young age I knew that people were not always what they showed on the outside. And at the same time I was like most children are, you tend to keep the peace, to not be cast out, so you play the game as it's expected of you. Isn't that a weird combination of survival and denial, with eyes closed?
Later on in life I learned to trust my intuition and to live without the "all seeing eyes of God". When my mother passed on, I noticed her uncertainty and fear of not going to heaven. That was a huge wake up call for me, because I had expected that she was confident in going to God.
So, in the last days of her life I felt like she was a child and I her mother, in a strange sort of way. It helped a lot to be able to place myself outside of her authority. It seems like becoming free of that shame and guilt pattern of the church, is going in steps throughout my life, working on still deeper levels of my soul. At the same time I learn to leave my brothers and sisters in their belief system/church. It's such a rooted part for them, very much in black and white: you are the devil when you talk about that part, luring them away from their safe haven. It's their fear, so you don't have to expose yourself to that, voluntarily. Loosing the church and your family is quite devastating, don't you think? Enjoy your freedom and take care!
