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Seashore · 06-05-2009, 07:47 AM

From hodu.com

Eliminating Our Own Victim Mentality

Can you imagine what a difference it would make to our self-esteem, creative productivity, and overall happiness if we were free of a victim mind-set? We're often simply unaware of the power that's in our hands...

by Sharon Ellison

For all of us: Victim mind-set erases choice

First I want to make a clear distinction between being treated as a victim and having a victim mentality.
It’s not like the old horse and carriage, we can have one without the other. For abusers actually to feel victimized by the people they are hurting emotionally or even physically is a classic scenario. On the other hand, we may be genuinely victimized by someone and still not think or respond like a victim.

Refusing to think like a victim: Sojourner Truth, an African American woman who escaped slavery and was a strong abolition activist, attended the National Women's Suffrage Convention in Akron, Ohio, where she delivered her powerful "Ain't I a Woman?" speech.

Only women were allowed to speak and she was such a powerful speaker that an effort was made by opponents of the movement to discredit her by humiliating her. She was ordered to go to the women's room and bare her breast to prove that she was a woman.

Sojourner Truth was offered a choice between not speaking and being humiliated. But she refused to stay in the confines of that "no-win" choice. She refused to think like a victim. She chose to speak — and as she went to the women’s room to "prove" she was a woman, she said with power and grace, "It is to your shame, not mine, that I do this."

The problem: We slip easily into victim mentality when we we try to get exactly what we want in less than ideal circumstances and when we can't, we allow ourselves to be trapped in no-win choices. Often, we aren't even willing to consider any choice other than the ideal choice. When we are in victim mentality, we don’t see the range of choices we have and we wallow in resentment. We feel helpless.

The solution: In order to eliminate our victim mentality, we must:

1. Start by accepting the reality of the situation instead of trying to achieve the ideal.
2. Find the best choice available within the reality of the circumstances, and then
3. Accept that choice instead of resenting it.

Below are examples that show how to do that in various circumstances/relationships:

For friends: You're late, I wait!

Victim mind-set: If I want to see my friend for tea or coffee, and she is chronically late, I may feel victimized by the choice between having to wait or not getting to see her. I wait and then feel disconnected and irritated.

Empowered mind-set: If I don’t want to be a victim I have many choices. I can accept that my friend is always late and chose to:

1. Be late too.
2. Take a good book and have a 15 minutes of quiet time.
3. Meet at a place near where I have other errands and let her know that I’ll wait ten minutes (or whatever suits me) and if she’s not there, I’ll leave.
4. Meet her at my house so I can keep doing whatever I want till she gets there, and if she doesn’t arrive before my next appointment, she won’t get to see me.

Holiday dinner variation: They're late, we wait

Victim mind-set: How many of you out there plan a holiday meal and have certain relatives or friends who are always late. You hold up dinner, the food gets dry, held in the oven on warm, or cold on the counter.

You and the rest of the family and guests sit around pretending that you are having fun instead of waiting, or openly complain or arguing about whether you should wait a few more minutes or go ahead and eat. Here we have a whole room full of people in feeling helpless and frustrated.

Empowered mind-set: You let the late-arrivers know ahead of time, "We’re gathering at 2:00 and we’ll eat at 3:00. If you get there late, just come on in and join the meal."

Now, everyone can have fun, eat, and not be so angry when the others do arrive. (Just make sure you don’t assign them to bring the turkey, pasta, ham, or whatever your main dish is!) This sounds so simple. What stops us from doing it?...

For professionals: Do as I tell you -even if it causes problems!

Victim mind-set: A new manager, William, was hired in Mario’s department. Mario, also in a managerial position, was asked by William to implement a series of changes. Mario tried to explain to William that three of these changes involved procedures that had been tried before but caused some serious problems. William seemed to take Mario’s comments as a challenge to his authority, and dismissed them.

Mario was frustrated, complained to others, and rather sullenly said he would do as asked. He was worried that in his own managerial role he would be held accountable for the problems he knew would develop. He was afraid to complain to his new boss’s supervisor for fear of looking like sour grapes.

Empowered mind-set: Mario, in this case, got some advice and decided to write an email to William to clarify his position. It said:

Statement:"I want to be clear and respectful in telling you the specific problems we had when we previously used the following three procedures you have asked me to implement over the next few months. I am concerned about the impact on the company, and about my own responsibility as a manager, given that I will be directing my staff to put a process into effect that I know is going to cause problems. Since you are my manager, I feel it is my duty to officially report these issues to you."

Possible predictions: "If you want to talk to me about other options, I’d be glad to do so. If you still want me to implement these procedures, I will do so as efficiently as I can."

" If you still want me to implement these procedures, I want to have it on record that I reported these problems so I am not held accountable for any resulting problems."

"If you feel determined to implement these procedures, I’d like to ask that we meet together with your supervisor to discuss it first, so she is aware of the problems we had previously."

Sharon's closing thoughts

The world is not an ideal place. When we look for ideal choices and ideal solutions, we find we have fewer and fewer "choices." We think like victims, which usually involves feeling both helpless and angry.

If we know that we are making choices in situations that are not ideal and we accept that, then we will suddenly see countless choices previously invisible to us. We will feel greater freedom and take more responsibility for the choices we do make...

06-05-2009, 07:47 AM	#30
Seashore Avalon Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 3,564	Re: Victim Mentality From hodu.com Eliminating Our Own Victim Mentality Can you imagine what a difference it would make to our self-esteem, creative productivity, and overall happiness if we were free of a victim mind-set? We're often simply unaware of the power that's in our hands... by Sharon Ellison For all of us: Victim mind-set erases choice First I want to make a clear distinction between being treated as a victim and having a victim mentality. It’s not like the old horse and carriage, we can have one without the other. For abusers actually to feel victimized by the people they are hurting emotionally or even physically is a classic scenario. On the other hand, we may be genuinely victimized by someone and still not think or respond like a victim. Refusing to think like a victim: Sojourner Truth, an African American woman who escaped slavery and was a strong abolition activist, attended the National Women's Suffrage Convention in Akron, Ohio, where she delivered her powerful "Ain't I a Woman?" speech. Only women were allowed to speak and she was such a powerful speaker that an effort was made by opponents of the movement to discredit her by humiliating her. She was ordered to go to the women's room and bare her breast to prove that she was a woman. Sojourner Truth was offered a choice between not speaking and being humiliated. But she refused to stay in the confines of that "no-win" choice. She refused to think like a victim. She chose to speak — and as she went to the women’s room to "prove" she was a woman, she said with power and grace, "It is to your shame, not mine, that I do this." The problem: We slip easily into victim mentality when we we try to get exactly what we want in less than ideal circumstances and when we can't, we allow ourselves to be trapped in no-win choices. Often, we aren't even willing to consider any choice other than the ideal choice. When we are in victim mentality, we don’t see the range of choices we have and we wallow in resentment. We feel helpless. The solution: In order to eliminate our victim mentality, we must: 1. Start by accepting the reality of the situation instead of trying to achieve the ideal. 2. Find the best choice available within the reality of the circumstances, and then 3. Accept that choice instead of resenting it. Below are examples that show how to do that in various circumstances/relationships: For friends: You're late, I wait! Victim mind-set: If I want to see my friend for tea or coffee, and she is chronically late, I may feel victimized by the choice between having to wait or not getting to see her. I wait and then feel disconnected and irritated. Empowered mind-set: If I don’t want to be a victim I have many choices. I can accept that my friend is always late and chose to: 1. Be late too. 2. Take a good book and have a 15 minutes of quiet time. 3. Meet at a place near where I have other errands and let her know that I’ll wait ten minutes (or whatever suits me) and if she’s not there, I’ll leave. 4. Meet her at my house so I can keep doing whatever I want till she gets there, and if she doesn’t arrive before my next appointment, she won’t get to see me. Holiday dinner variation: They're late, we wait Victim mind-set: How many of you out there plan a holiday meal and have certain relatives or friends who are always late. You hold up dinner, the food gets dry, held in the oven on warm, or cold on the counter. You and the rest of the family and guests sit around pretending that you are having fun instead of waiting, or openly complain or arguing about whether you should wait a few more minutes or go ahead and eat. Here we have a whole room full of people in feeling helpless and frustrated. Empowered mind-set: You let the late-arrivers know ahead of time, "We’re gathering at 2:00 and we’ll eat at 3:00. If you get there late, just come on in and join the meal." Now, everyone can have fun, eat, and not be so angry when the others do arrive. (Just make sure you don’t assign them to bring the turkey, pasta, ham, or whatever your main dish is!) This sounds so simple. What stops us from doing it?... For professionals: Do as I tell you -even if it causes problems! Victim mind-set: A new manager, William, was hired in Mario’s department. Mario, also in a managerial position, was asked by William to implement a series of changes. Mario tried to explain to William that three of these changes involved procedures that had been tried before but caused some serious problems. William seemed to take Mario’s comments as a challenge to his authority, and dismissed them. Mario was frustrated, complained to others, and rather sullenly said he would do as asked. He was worried that in his own managerial role he would be held accountable for the problems he knew would develop. He was afraid to complain to his new boss’s supervisor for fear of looking like sour grapes. Empowered mind-set: Mario, in this case, got some advice and decided to write an email to William to clarify his position. It said: Statement:"I want to be clear and respectful in telling you the specific problems we had when we previously used the following three procedures you have asked me to implement over the next few months. I am concerned about the impact on the company, and about my own responsibility as a manager, given that I will be directing my staff to put a process into effect that I know is going to cause problems. Since you are my manager, I feel it is my duty to officially report these issues to you." Possible predictions: "If you want to talk to me about other options, I’d be glad to do so. If you still want me to implement these procedures, I will do so as efficiently as I can." " If you still want me to implement these procedures, I want to have it on record that I reported these problems so I am not held accountable for any resulting problems." "If you feel determined to implement these procedures, I’d like to ask that we meet together with your supervisor to discuss it first, so she is aware of the problems we had previously." Sharon's closing thoughts The world is not an ideal place. When we look for ideal choices and ideal solutions, we find we have fewer and fewer "choices." We think like victims, which usually involves feeling both helpless and angry. If we know that we are making choices in situations that are not ideal and we accept that, then we will suddenly see countless choices previously invisible to us. We will feel greater freedom and take more responsibility for the choices we do make...