Some Tommy Cooper jokes
* Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
* I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
* Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
* Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
* A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '
* 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'
* A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
* A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'
* I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
* Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
* 'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'
* 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
* I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.
* I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
* I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!
* So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.Tommy Cooper - cooperisms
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, ccok-eyed.
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'
So I went to the dentist.
He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'
A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'.
