[alyscat]

HJ, first, bless you.... You remind me so much of ME years ago. I think you may find an answer or two in your original post.

My working career was mostly 1.5 year long jobs, until I moved into an ashram for 7 years, and even there I shifted "jobs" within the ashram staff on a fairly regular basis. That said, I learned a lot in the ashram about acceptance. My last job was at a college where I worked for 10 years in basically the same position. And I remember early on, my boss saying to me, "I wish you could learn to accept things as they are." That was a real wakeup to me, because I thought I had cleared that problem, but if I really examined my life and my work, I saw where on a deeper level I hadn't.

I resolved to do what I was asked to do unless it was really impossible (and then we'd discuss it - things like the software wouldn't support that, or if I do x, it will cause y to happen over here) - or illegal (and fortunately I was never asked to do anything illegal). I tried to stop having judgments about everything I was asked to do. I sense you judging things, like the standards you are asked to clean to. My biggest problem was judging things. When I finally was able to stop judging things, or to at least quiet it down a bit <G>, my life got soooooo much easier. When I stopped thinking things "should" be a certain way and started noticing the way they were, without attachment, as much as possible, then I was able to negotiate the curves without excess emotionality.

I also stopped trying to be "friends" with the people I worked with. In the long run, this worked to my advantage. I was genial, I was cheerful and helpful, shared a little, but not everything - certainly not things that might make me look better than they, and expected nothing in return, and I ended up getting a lot back that was positive. Didn't go out to dinner with them, or movies, or spend time outside of work, but I had excellent working relationships in the work environment.

Actually, I stopped assuming my friends would fulfill any part of my needs. Sounds awful, but you know, you're the only person who can make you happy. And you don't need "friends" to do it. I try to be there for my friends and enjoy the time I spend with them, but if I call someone to do something and they can't, I don't take it personally. I guess that's a major part of it. I stopped taking things so personally. I started looking at people's reactions as a comment on them, not as a comment on me. I found things I enjoyed doing on my own.

In the long run, it's probably cheaper for your boss to have you work overtime than to hire on another person - and that's why you're getting pressured. And he could care less about what you have going on outside the job, the job is all that is important for him. Those inspections are his lifeblood. Is it sensible? Maybe not (judgment again) - but it is what it is... and his job depends on it. Does that make him bad? No, but it is going to make him less understanding of your need to cover these other areas of your life. And he may ultimately say that he needs someone who will be available to work overtime, etc. That's just something you may need to factor in as a possible outcome. Again, it's a comment on him (and the times), not a comment on you.

College - unless you're not doing your work (and you haven't said that you're skirting assignments), there's no reason for them to reject you (I know colleges intimately LOL) Attend classes, do you work, don't fight the instructor, no matter how much of an idiot you think he is (there's that judgment thing again) (and I'm not saying you're doing that), and again, don't look to the school relationships to provide you with emotional gratification. That's got to come from within yourself. When you can love yourself, then you can love others. When you're filled to the brim, you have something to give to others. Few of us are filled to the brim! Although I see more on Avalon than I see on other places.

Hugz - I know, a difficult time. It may just be hormonal, or a major shift in how you're processing reality. And THAT's a big deal.

Alys