Those of you with a cat might appreciate the humour of the following
Training Your Human - A Manual for Cats
Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've
joined the millions of other cats who have adopted these strange but very
useful creatures.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with
other cats? The answer is actually rather simple:
HUMANS HAVE THUMBS.
This makes them the perfect tool for such tasks as opening doors,
getting the lids off of cat food and other activities that we cats,
despite our other obvious advantages,
find difficult to do ourselves. It’s true that chimps, orangutans and gorillas
also have thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans mistakenly assume that there are other more important
activities than taking care of your immediate needs such as
reading, watching TV, spending time with their friends or even
sleeping.
Though this is very inconvenient, you can correct this
by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. The trick is to
be persistent so your human becomes so frustrated that it
will do whatever you want it to do, just to get some peace.
Here are some tried and tested methods for getting your human to do what
you want:
*Sometimes it is not necessary to do anything -- just sit there and stare.
Your human will, by trial and error, do what you want it to do.
*To ensure a varied and good quality diet stroll over to the food they’ve just put out.
Stretch your neck out and smell it.
Then look up at them with that look that says, "What is this ****?"
Waking your human at odd hours:
A cat's golden time is between the hours of midnight and 6am.
PLAY is an important part of your life.
Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.
It is known that sleeping humans are boring and ignoring your needs. The direct approach is nearly always successful to rejuvenate a dormant human. Do one or all of the following:
*Trample, purr, meow or head-butt. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as swinging on curtains while singing at the top of your voice. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually in a disgruntled manner.
Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will
stubbornly resist pandering to your whims. In these
circumstances, you will have to punish your human. Obvious
punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants,
usually backfire; unsophisticated humans are likely to
misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead,
try these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare unemotionally at your human while it is attempting a romantic
interlude, watching a favourite TV programme or doing anything that neglects you.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment like a computer to prevent it being used.
A cooker hob is a good target - your human has to wait for its dinner.
* Pester your human to let you in and out of the house several times in quick succession.
This helps your human to get the message that you are Head of the Household.
* If your human fails to cater to your needs then you may have to frighten it by
slowly backing away while hissing, spitting and snarling. This lets them know who’s Boss.
* Every now and then, hide in a place where the human can’t find you.
Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the
human to panic thinking that you have run away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the human will cover you with love and kisses
and you will probably get a treat.
*Get close to your humans face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans seem to be annoyed by this, so do it when necessary. And don't forget guests.
WARNING ABOUT VACUUM CLEANERS: Humans will turn into raging monsters while under its influence. Do not attempt any training - all you can do is run and hide.
CONCLUSION:
The SOLE purpose of humans on earth is to provide, food, shelter, grooming,
warmth, affection, snacks, rubs, scratches, and monetary support
of our wills, whims, needs, fancies, lusts, and desires.
Any human found not complying should be scratched, sprayed, bugged, harrassed, rubbed, annoyed, awoken, and otherwise bothered until compliance is attained.
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and
are consistent. You will then have a smooth running household.
USEFUL INFORMATION FOR YOUR HUMAN:
The 10 Catmandments
1. I am the Lord of thy house.
2. Thou shall have no other pets before me.
3. Thou shalt not ever ignore me.
4. I shall ignore thou when I feel like it.
5. Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thou the time of day.
6. Remember my food dish and keep it full.
7. Thou shalt spend most of thy money on toys and food for me.
8. Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for me to curl up in.
9. Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand.
10. Above all, thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.