Quote:
Originally Posted by oedilroed
Yes, aparently we do not understand each other here.
Why not tell us, how you got involved with "syphoning" ?
And saying "NO" is a way to stay out of abuse.
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This sounds like group therapy and I do hope you won't play the therapist all along here. Otherwise I'll have to consider the possibility that I move into an abusive relationship right now.
So I'll toss the ball on the end of this, get ready to catch. (Where's Josefine by the way?)
So, you've asked a simple question here, and as the beauty with simple questions and my rising awareness is that you've unlocked Pandora's box and I shall unleash the multitude of answers that can be given to this question, and this may indeed happen in the danger of losing all grammatical correctness and semantical properness. In fact, the more of this I pick up the more it feels that it's spinning out of control, this time however, maybe things are actually just spinning with a longer radius. Who knows.
Off we go.
How excellent that my fingers are used to typing English in a fast and non-controlled manner that all can flow from the 'it' without thinking so much.
This in fact brings up the memories of probably the only really deep abusive relationship I had but hey, let's open this fan wider before we go there:
When asked how I got involved with syphoning however, that doesn't imply that you actually want to hear about that.
Let's start with this thread.
I read the article I translated and it just appeared like a terribly interesting topic. I have yet to figure out why I find it so intriguing. As stated before it has little to nothing to do with empowering myself by using the tools that are being explored. In fact, I might have wanted pride myself with the idea of learning a protection against them and furthermore contribute to this topic on the Nexus thread, where I brought concerns among these lines up several times. It didn't seem like anyone was listening, so hey, maybe I'm just trying to prove them wrong. There are all kinds of inputs right?
You could of course also say that this is my pattern, that this is what I now figured is a part of my self-abusive tendency and it comes down the pipe without me really realising why I engage with it. Very possible, but as I am aware of that I'm thinking there has to be more to it.
I cannot say much about this 'other' curiosity. I suppose it's one of those matters of resolving karmic residue maybe even from past lives. That still sounds way beyond me though so any such suppositions seem utterly pretentious.
(You're picking up a pattern in my words I'm sure... )
I believe I'm mainly over the abusive situations in my life and in fact, I have yet to find another big karmic issue apart from learning to pay attention to detail and... I forgot the other one. I think it's motivation... and in fact if that is the case I'm resolving that right now.
Way to go!
To get at more detail however, I think if there is abusive stuff going on, it's probably more the helper syndrome.
Yes, I have learned to undermine domination abusers, I have learned to elegantly escape them with the right mixture of humility and 'no'. No worries there. The ultimate weapon indeed has become to have an utterly brutal honesty towards all. Not that I'm completely there, I was once, but that also is a form of self-torture unnecessary. It's now become a matter of balancing the 'pushing it' side with the 'don't waste your time' side. As you might realise this very act is such an act of pushing it with honesty. I'm sure there will be people that think I'm full of myself and others that love me for it. That situation, when taken rightly is a catharsis in itself and I can't imagine myself much more vulnerable than giving out all there is. Granted, it's easier on a forum than in real life... the problem in real life is simply that no one asks for it. In fact most people are scared by me offering so much. Maybe that's another tendency of self-torture, there is a pattern.
No matter, every time I do it I learn. Is this an addiction? Maybe it is but I find it a teaching experience that brings me ever further so I don't see anything wrong with it. It's not like being addicted to chocolate.
If in fact, if this is a matter of me still being in a kind of abusive relationship, and yes I think that may be so, then it is a matter of the helper-syndrome.
...and here my writing flow just dies away.
How is it that someone can make me dependant by depending on me? Why do I even buy into this? I did all I could this time to prevent it. Still, it didn't resolve. I fail at this point to come up with any justification for my actions nor for their absence. I know I don't need justification, in fact nothing really does. It's a misconception as far as I understand it. Yet, conscience, which so far was my term for 'higher self' as it lead and protected me in this rather wonderful life I lead, seems to suggest to hold on to this relationship.
No, there is no awareness of her abusing me in any way. I can not tell if she does it or not. I guess it's my pattern rather then hers. But who knows. Only further merciless self-examination will bring an answer.
To briefly account for the real abusive relationship that I got so hooked on when I was a teenager... how shall I express it. I never felt so dead as when trying to help someone live who already died inside. Rotting inside being alive is probably the best description. If it has taught me one thing it is that my problems are my problems, and other people's problems are theirs.
That does not exclude that I can change another by changing myself, for we are all one, but it means that I have to change my problems within me, not other people.
The hardest task is just to see the pale reflections in the mirror of life when there isn't some 'teacher' that smacks them in your face.
Last but not least, syphoning might also be interpreted as a matter of being economical with one's energy. There are all kinds of rules out there that suck the energy from one. Behavioural, conceptual, emotional... all rules that tell me not to feel comfortable this way, not to be fine with that attitude, not to accept this and let it go... is this syphoned energy? Is that energy I lose due to tension because I can't let things stream through me naturally, because of the rejection that's been beaten into me, really syphoned? It seems more like it turns stale in my 'body' until I can knock it out or transmute it again. Other times it's more like it deflagrates... vaporises... and floats around aimlessly, ready to chaotically jump on the next susceptible victim.
Is this the matrix of self-propagating fear demons? Is it a grand scheme? It seems more like self-fulfilling prophecy to me.
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Here comes the ball and forgive me for it being a little more offensive than a plain out question:
1. What's with the avatar picture?
2. What is the intention of interpreting the 'The Bull is Gone' post in such a sexual manner and attacking the poster for sexual frustrations. Is all your life's interpretation based on this sexual focus? Not that I can't see the subtext but what's the point of the attack?
3. Since you lead this discourse with me, what do you consider your calling?
4. Do you intend to have a distanced and authoritative wording? (Or is it just me again? Or is it a protection that you built up?)
Respectfully (your picture actually inspired me to take my musqueteer hat of and bow in elegant manner, but it's not supposed to be facetious, rather entertaining... but who knows...)
Czymra