My mother was a wreck of fear when I was born, I took it all with me. The world was mainly an incomprehensible place and I took what I could get, run with the pack. Most of my childhood is now forgotten, fear has wiped it, probably my parents splitting up or more innate reasons.
I did have a very alive imagination though and played more on my own, then got into computer games. In teenager years I got panic attacks and literally didn't leave the house for anything but necessary errands. After wasting away most of my life and falling into complete depression over being so whimsical and separated from the others, and of course falling in love, I figured that if I hated myself, I couldn't really expect love from others.
So I found my first real friend and we carried each other through the confusing years of puberty, talked about everything that no one else then would talk about. I became the most honest person I knew, in fact I might have been too harsh, rejected all my false friends at that time but I always felt a conscience that lead me to think that being so ruthless is the only way. I also started Kendo, probably the only sport that seems sensible to me. I then met my first girlfriend who I believed was found by fate (I wanted to see all kinds of coincidences) and found a way out of misery for the first time. In fact I believed I had it all figured out then, and went around very convinced than actually believing. When school ended I immediately left home, I couldn't wait to (run away) from it all and went to Norway to live with my then girlfriend. It lasted a year, I got much wiser as to why relationships don't work and went on to England to study, figuring that I always had that special interest in consciousness I thought that film might be the best tool to discover it.
Getting to know the third culture that was surprisingly similar to everything else but even more corrupted I slowly started wondering what really is wrong with the world. The same patterns everywhere. I had however reached full independence and a strength that was unthinkable years before. With my second girlfriend I finally figured out what unconditional love can really mean and also figured out the law of attraction to some extend even before I heard of it.
Now I'm on my own again, but it is only now that I have the time and the clarity to catch up with so many things that were left on the path behind me all those 23 years.
I have the feeling that I always 'knew' but was just very confused and can only think that it must be this incredible innate fear that I chose to be my catalyst. I could have made it easier I'm thinking. -_-
Today it's really all about learning more humility and acceptance, trying to learn even those things that I reject at first.
This fall I began watching more of those Google videos about conspiracy and that brought me here eventually. Since I'm in London the documentaries about the Tube attacks scared me quite a lot but I'm way beyond that now. The rest of the NWO stuff didn't make me blink once, really. I'm here for the spiritual journey. That the world is crooked is nothing new.
Sorry for the essay but reviewing is so healthy, I also thought several days about what I could reply here. Brilliant thread and very inspiring to hear of other's paths.
The point is, there isn't a moment that made click.