Quotes and jokes!
 

Just thought a light hearted jokey quotey thread would lighten things up if anyone is feeling low at any point-just pop into here there maybe something that tickles yer fancy!!lol!:naughty::lol3::roll1::roftl:

Start off with some quotations first then let's see if anyone can find some decent,clean jocular stuff?Please add some humour folks.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence;
then success is sure.
Mark Twain


If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Dick Cavett


"You can't say that civilization don't advance,
for in every war they kill you in a new way."
Will Rogers



Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln




When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.
Japanese Proverb


Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow.
The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
Abraham Lincoln


Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast;
in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
Ovid




Books are the quietest and most constant of friends;
they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors,
and the most patient of teachers.
Charles W. Eliot


Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte



The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld



In history as in human life, regret does not bring back a lost moment
and a thousand years will not recover something lost in a single hour.
Stefan Zweig


Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
Albert Camus


He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument.
Chinese Proverb



Half of the American people have never read a newspaper.
Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
Gore Vidal


Speak when you are angry - and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Laurence J. Peter


Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
Dan Rather


"There is no way in which birds differ more from man than the way
they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before."
Robert Lynd



Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.



If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.
Lyndon B. Johnson


Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles.
It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.
Abigail Van Buren


To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
Oscar Wilde



The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
Doug Larson

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung


The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde



What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising?
Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public;
ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson


"If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years left to live." - Albert Einstein


"We abuse land because we regard it as a commodity belonging to us. When we see land as a commodity to which we belong, we may use it with love and respect." - Aldo Leopold


Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde


“What do I think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a very good idea.” - Mahatma Gandhi

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.” - Voltaire

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” - VOLTAIRE


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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One repays a teacher badly if one remains nothing but a pupil.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)


Then there's this:
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

Louis Hector Berlioz


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


LEARNED THE HARD WAY - when you take a dog on a car ride, he loves to stick his head out the window, but if you blow in his face, he gets very mad at you.





TRYING TO GET HEALTHY - I tried jogging, but it made the ice jump right out of my martini and put my cigarette out.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is believed to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language

COMMON SENSE? - You can't trust dogs to watch your food.



Never start an argument with an idiot, for he will drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience.... Anon

Pardon? .... Vincent Van Gogh


If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau


I'm The Best House Keeper in Holywood. Every time I get Divorced I keep the house.
Zaza Gabor (actress & HouseKeeper)


A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile
the moment a single man contemplates it,
bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery


'I never thought I was going to date an older man when I first met him. To me, it was different to hang out with someone with something to say that was so interesting and important and who was truly, incredibly intelligent. He's handsome and has so much charisma - and he's so funny. He's very normal and down to earth. He's an incredible man and I just love him' - 27-year-old Australian model Kristy Hinze reveals the attraction of her 63-year-old boyfriend Jim Clark. Who happened to found Netscape and is a billionaire.

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Though I believe we are nearing close to some major changes occuring, I thought this was cute.

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That cartoon remind me of one that I saw a while back (and was actually plagarized from Gary Larson's Far Side).

A Bigfoot, Creature from the Black Lagoon, and a Grey (w/ massive cranium) are sitting around a table playing cards when police bust in and raid the place. A cop asks: "OK- which one of you is the brains of the operation??" nyuk yuk yuk

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It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
Carl Sagan
US astronomer & popularizer of astronomy (1934 - 1996)

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LOL:mfr_lol:.....apologize to any Palin fans but I found this web page where you click on things on the image. Made me laugh, lots of things to click on. Some may find this amusing.:lol3::lmao:

http://www.palinaspresident.us/

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"We are all strong enough to bear the misfortunes of others"

"Because I could not stop for death
He kindly stopped for me,
In the carriage was just ourselves
and e-t-e-r-n-i-t-y".

"When your neighbour loses his job it is called a recession. When you lose your job it is called a depression"!

WIT.......


JOKER.......

02 Dagonet was KI Arthur’s jester who was made a knight as a joke.

03 Leprechaun (Irish/Oirish): indulges in jokes at mortals’ expense. He is often the guardian of a treasure.

04 Bible: Samson - practical joker. Judge. Became champion but fell to a woman’s wiles and went out in a blaze of glory.

05 Robin Hood, Wyatt Earp etc.

06 American Indian: Coyote, the great trickster.

07 Japan: the badger often plays the part of a jester.

08 Jean de la Fontaine (1621-1695): C’est double plaisir de tromper le trompeur. ‘It is double pleasing to trick the trickster’.

09 Harlequin: visible only to his faithful Columbine. His function is to dance through the world and frustrate all the knavish tricks of the clown.

11 In the folly of our acts we see our own foolishness. The humour of the ages - the cosmic joke is not just on ourselves but on everyone else - booby traps and all the humorous and whimsical things you encounter along life’s journey. If you cannot laugh and joke at yourself and your own crazy antics, you have lost the game. The purpose of joking and laughing is to see things from a new viewpoint.

01 Keen perception and cleverly apt expression of connections between ideas which may arouse pleasure and especially amusement - speech or writing showing such perception and expression - a person endowed with or noted for such wit - understanding, intelligence, or sagacity: wit enough to come in out of the rain - mental abilities, or powers of intelligent observation, keen perception, ingenious contrivance, etc - ‘to have one’s wits about him/her’ - mental faculties, or senses: ‘to lose or regain one’s wits’ - mental capacity; reason; intellect - a clever or learned person - ‘at one’s wits end’ (at the end of one’s powers of knowing, thinking etc - utterly at loss or perplexed. Five wits - the five senses, or the perception generally. ‘Live by one’s wits’ (to gain a livelihood by resourcefulness and quick-wittedness rather than by hard work). ‘Out of one’s wits’ (in or into a state of great fear) or incoherence: ‘to frighten someone out of his/her wits’ - drollery, facetiousness, repartee - wisdom. “When the wine is in, the wit it out”.

02 Witticism: a witty remark - a joke (modeled on criticism).

03 Paronomasia: wordplay of the punning kind, using similar sounding or identical sounding words with different meanings in close proximity to each other, for an effect of comedy, balance, or cleverness. Many of the myths of Dionysus reflect the trait of ‘losing the wits’ and of tearing or being torn apart.

04 Dinadan: knight of the Round Table. The only figure who has a genuine sense of humor and satirical talent. He wrote a lampoon against KI Mark and played pranks on the other knights.

05 Benjamin Franklin: “At 20 years of age, the will reigns; at 30, the wit; and at 40, the judgment”.

06 Alexander Pope: “True Wit is Nature to advantage dress’d, what oft was thought, but ne’er so well express’d”.

07 Hamlet: “Brevity is the soul of wit”.

08 Henry IV Part-2: “I am not only witty in myself, but the cause of that wit is in other men”.

09 Figaro: a type of daring, cunning and witty roguery and intrigue.

10 Attic salt: elegant and delicate wit (sparkling thought, well expressed). “Here lies a KI, that ruled as he thought fit – the universal monarchy of wit”.


HUMOUR.......

The quality of being funny: ‘the humor of the situation’ - the faculty of perceiving what is amusing or comical: sense of humor - the faculty of expressing the amusing or comical - speech or writing showing this faculty - mental disposition or tendency - frame of mind - capricious or freakish inclination - whim or caprice - odd traits - cardinal humors (regarded as determining, by their relative proportions in the system, a person’s physical and mental constitution). Out of humor (displeased or dissatisfied, cross) - to comply with the humor of - indulge - to humor a child - to accommodate oneself to. Humor, wit are contrasting terms which agree in referring to an ability to express a sense of the clever or amusing. Humor consists in the bringing together of certain incongruities which arise naturally from situations or character, frequently so as to illustrate some fundamental absurdity in human nature or conduct; it is a more kindly trait than wit - ‘a genial and mellow type of humor’. Wit is a purely intellectual, often spontaneous, manifestation of cleverness and quickness of apprehension in discovering analogies between things really unlike, and expressing them in brief, diverting, and sometimes sharp observations or remarks: humor produces a smile, but wit produces sudden laughter - temperament, mood. Humor, Gratify, Indulge - imply attempting to satisfy the wishes or whims of oneself or others. To humor is to comply with the mood, fancy, or, caprice of another, as in order to satisfy, soothe, or manage: to humor an invalid, a child. To ‘gratify’ is to please by satisfying the likings or desires: to gratify someone by praising him/her. ‘Indulge’ suggests a yielding to wishes by way of favor or complaisance, and may imply a habitual or excessive yielding to whims: to indulge an unreasonable demand, to indulge an irresponsible son. Isaac: means ‘one laughs’ (Abraham laughed at the idea of Sarah bearing a child, but Sarah had the last laugh). “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else”.

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:eyes: loved the Palin page...


"They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'" --David Letterman

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"In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut." --Jay Leno

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I thought I'd found a thread I could relate to where I could tell loads of jokes. Then I saw the words "decent" and "clean". Oh well, such is life :emot-sad:

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CAR AIR CONDITIONERS - The real story of how they came
to be.

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97
degrees. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's
office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that
3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in
the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was
curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their
car.They persuaded him to get into the car which was about
130 degrees - turned on the air conditioner and cooled the
car off immediately. The old man got very excited and
invited them back to the office, where he offered them

$3
million for the patent.The brothers refused, saying they
would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition
by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,"
on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.Now
old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and
there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name
on 2 million Fords.They haggled back and forth for about 2
hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their
first names would be shown.And so to this day, all Ford air
conditioners show Norm, Hi and Max on the controls.
Now you know.

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A motorcycle cop :biker: saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf." :original:

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Oh man that's funny!!!!!

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BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof; then, I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

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An elderly woman driver was seen to be driving erratically and was pulled over by a cop who suspected she was drunk in charge. He asked if she had been drinking, she told him, "Yes, I've had two beers, three double bourbons and a four glasses of wine. He then asked to see her licence. "I don't have one." she replied,
Startled, the cop asked if it was her car, "No," she replied, "I shot the owner with my gun and took the car."
The cop was worried by her admission and radioed for urgent backup. "Where is the owner now," he asked. She replied, "I stuffed him in the boot."
Within two minutes three police cars arrived and the occupants leaped out with guns at the ready.
The superior officer spoke to the cop who told him that the woman had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot, stolen the car and that she didn't have a drivers licence and she had been drinking.

The senior officer walked cautiously up to the woman's window and asked her to open the trunk, which she did. There was no body in there. Looking at the cop who had pulled her up, he then said to the woman, "Where's your gun?" She replied , "I don't have a gun."
Looking at the cop again the officer then asked her, "Do you have a driver's licence?"
"Yes," said the woman and reached into her handbag. "Is this your car?" "Yes," replied the woman showing him the proof of ownership. Puzzled, the officer said, "This man told me that you told him this wasn't your car, you had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot and and that you had no driver's licence."
"Hmph! He probably told you I'd been drinking as well." :tongue2:

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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These are indeed troubled and desperate time we are living in.
I can provide the very wise and comforting answer to the ultimate question though:

The answer is 42.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aboZctrHfK8

Oh yeah, this is important too.

Don't Panic......and always bring a towel.

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Classic rd, and funny too!

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People will forget what you said ... ..
People will forget what you did ... ..
But people will never forget how you made them feel.....


An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an ar$ehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours*

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Great joke Swanny!

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I'm not paranoid......
I KNOW they are watching me :blink:


:original:

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Bought some Armageddon cheese today

On the packet it says

"Best before end."

:naughty:

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A postman has a large package to deliver to a home but as it won't fit in the letterbox, he decides to leave it on the doorstep. Just as he is putting it down a small dog comes flying around the corner, bites him on the hand then sits down and barring its teeth, growls most ferociously. The postman is now holding his hand close to his chest and wailing fit wake the dead. At this moment the door is flung open and a little old lady looks the postman up and down and says, "come on my good man - Meg's bark is worse than her bite, what's all the fuss about?"

The postman stops wailing and holding his injured hand out to her replies, "if that's a fact, I'm glad she didn't bark then!"

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Crossing Over
A monk on his journey home comes to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he ponders for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.

Just as he is to give up his journey, he sees a great teacher on the other side of the river. The monk yells over to the teacher, "Oh Master, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?"

The teacher ponders for a moment, looks up and down the river and yells back, "You are already on the other side."

***
:soccer_h4h:

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ok one more, then i'm outa here ...

Saving a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
:shocked:

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Please don't take this in a racist way-it's an old tug o war with the English and the French-please take it light heartedly!

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England.'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'

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The Ark 2008

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Could be true ?

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:

'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his garden, but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

http://www.cleanjoke.com/images/adult_dog.jpg
http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f3...pano/funny.jpg
__________________

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Understanding Politics

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A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics
and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will
call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his
mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is s******g the
Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The
People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.

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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and
got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The
bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a
salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a
bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other: "Does this taste funny to
you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green
Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones
Syndrome."
"Is it
common?"
"... Well, It's Not Unusual ...


The Castaway

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A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. About four months later, he is lying on the beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he says. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that wasn't a problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There' s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
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Bl...y hell, you haven't got Sky Sports as well?'

Re: Quotes and jokes!
 

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get use to the idea.

Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988)


All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

Jeremy Clarkson


Children aren`t happy without something to ignore, and that`s what parents were created for.

Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971)


I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.

Sir Isaac Newton


The death of British forces in the Falklands War was roughly the same as it was on the roads in Britain over the same period. Which is the more wasteful, the less worthwhile? How much sense does that make?

Sandy Woodward


don`t drink and drive then:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIWB-Neyj-c

otherwise:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slOY4cSVfy8

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With all the fear eminating from the Obama election I thought this would lighten the mood of all:

http://www.comedycentral.com/colbert...isodeId=209851

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"Politics is the world's second oldest profession, and it bears a striking resemblence to the first"- Ronald Reagan

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the spirit of christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghIaSjzYVMQ

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http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2097/...ce82ba4d_o.jpg

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2011/...50d53b55_o.jpg

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