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Re: Quotes and jokes!
http://freshimagehosting.com/images/...tooexmb3z1.gif :mfr_lol: :roll1:
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A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
Wife: "Where are you going dear?" Husband: "To the kitchen" Wife: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Husband: "Sure." Wife: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" Husband: "No, I can remember that!" Wife: "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." Husband: "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." Wife: "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Husband: "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!" He then grumbles all the way to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast? |
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Lovingly wrapped in a creamy white envelope, with beautifully detailed fine gold writing and a first class stamp....
This isn't just any P45, this is a Marks and Spencers P45. :tongue2: |
Re: Quotes and jokes! 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart..
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.' On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down' |
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Yeah funny i heard that a while back but in an English way.
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English way??, oh like in bloody, blimey, matey, tea and crumpets type of way, HaHaHa, LOL! LOL!
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Re: Quotes and jokes! 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'
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eXchanger - Treat yourself to that massage you've been putting off. You deserve it!! |
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An elderly couple are celebrating their 50 years of wedded bliss by traveling to India where they had spent their honeymoon. The second day there the husband was feeling the heat so elected to stay indoors with the air-conditioning turned on. His wife decided she would go out and do some shopping in local bazzar. As she retraced the path they had taken together 50 years ago, she began to relive the excitement of their honeymoon and the sensual pleasures they had experienced all those years ago. She paused to watch a snake-charmer playing his flute as a snake slowly rose from the basket at his feet, swaying in time to the music. She moved on through the bazzar looking at the different wares for sale until she came to a stall where the musical instruments were. Suddenly her eyes lit up as she had an idea. She purchased a flute and ran back to the snake-charmer. He consented to showing her his method of charming the snake.
Beside herself with excitement, she raced back to the hotel where her husband was laying on his back on the bed in their room with just a sheet over himself. Quickly seating herself cross-legged by the bedside, she started playing the flute. After a minute had passed by, she noticed the sheet starting to rise at a point about the centre of his body. In a state of high arousel she changed the tempo of the flute as the sheet peaked higher and higher. Unable to contain her excitement any longer, she ripped the sheet from her husband's form - only to find the end of his pyjama cord raised up and swaying in time to the music of the flute. |
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started.... |
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started.... |
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' & And then the fight started ... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ****. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's d**n near perfect.' And then the fight started..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... |
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new
shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue... My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time... When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'... Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response... 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son. |
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Alien laying down the ground rules to a human!lol.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_uHJ9y...c-HM-fresh+div |
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The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said , 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him . I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' Happy Mental Health Day! :lmao: You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend... Done my part!!! :mfr_lol: |
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You're coming out with some corkers Sue-have you been getting out and boozing a little more lately?lol.
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Henry, the Vampire bat, returns to his cave after his night's work, his face plastered with fresh blood. All his mates are hanging there, pretty ****ed off having not had a kill that night.
They get quite excited when Henry arrives. Henry is trying to get some sleep, but his mates keep on hassling him, wanting to know where he'd been. Eventually he gets so irritated by this that he stretches his wings and says "Right lads, follow me, I'll show you where." The thousands of bats leave the cave, fly for an hour before Henry alights on the tower of a brooding mansion. "You see that oak tree over there?" he says. "Yes, yes," they all chitter. "Well I didn't!" |
Re: Quotes and jokes!
Things Got Ya Down ?
Well Then, Consider These . . . In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. Still Having a Bad Day???? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you are having a Bad Day???? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. Are Ya OK Now? - No? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. What?? STILL having a Bad Day???? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good! There now, Feeling Better? |
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A man comes home to notice that there is a dent in back fender of his car, he then notices that the tool box in the back of the garage is also dented. He shakes his head and walks inside and sits down next to his wife and sighs, "Honey, how can you be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time?"
She remembers coming home and backing into the open tool box that was left in the middle of the garage earlier... Then she muses about the hour it took for her to push the heavy box to the back of the garage, pick up all the tools, and arrange them in order. She turns her head and answers with a smile, "God made me beautiful so that you would fall in love with me, and God made me stupid so that I would fall in love with you." Peace of Mind, Wormhole |
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Not sure...
http://blog.ratestogo.com/wp-content...ing-statue.jpg love & light wow- my oldie computer is slow! |
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Vintage Abbott and Costello - the original Who's on First.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M - |
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