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Three male Labrador's, 1 chocolate, 1 yellow, and 1 black... were sitting
in a waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?' The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I **** on everything......the sofa, the Curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I ****** in the middle of my owner's' bed.' The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?' Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.They reckon it'll calm me down.' The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.' So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. 'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said. The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' 'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. 'Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'. The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, you're loosing your balls too, huh?' The black Lab said.... 'God no, I'm just here to get my nails clipped''. :thumb_yello: |
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?' Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?' The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.' 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' ! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You're a Congressman for theU.S. Government', says Bud. 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog. |
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Hehe excellent :mfr_lol:
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Peoples always said that the day we had a black President would be the day pigs fly. Well, what do you know! 4 months into his presidency and swine flu!
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Some Tommy Cooper jokes
http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictur...perFingers.jpg * Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. * I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. * I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. * Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. * Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. * A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. ' * 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.' * A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' * A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said 'well don't go there any more' * I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. * Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners * 'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.' * 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.' * I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' , so he gave me a kite. * I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.' * I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids! * So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.' A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours' Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.Tommy Cooper - cooperisms Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. ' Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road. 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' 'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, ccok-eyed. 'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.' I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?' I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.' A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy' So I went to the dentist. He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.' A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'. :naughty: |
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# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. # Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. # Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?" # Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. # Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year. |
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On the subject of cars and car companies which could use a boost or two,
comes the news that Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car .................... to be named the "Clitaurus". Male drivers may find it difficult to find, but female drivers will always remember where they parked it. The car comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash. :thumb_yello: |
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LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.....' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know Sh..t? |
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I went into a pub in a dry, dusty outback Australian town. There were the usual patrons scattered around playing two-up and watching the races on TV.
A woman in working clothes and covered with dust and flies walked up to the bar and looking around at everyone, raised her right arm in the air showing a great thatch of under-arm hair, and yelled, "who'll buy a lady a beer?" A drunk, leaning on the bar at the far end, screwed his eyes up, gulped, shook his head and said to the barman, "give the ballet dancer a beer and I'll pay for it. Five minutes later, the woman raised her arm again and yelled, "who'll buy a lady a beer?" Once again the drunk rolled his eyes and pursed his lips and said to the barman, "give the ballet dancer a beer and I'll pay for it. This happened a further four times. In the end, the barman asked the drunk, "why do you call her a ballet dancer?" The drunk replied, "only a ballet dancer could lift her leg that high." |
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Shortly after the take-off, the captain greets passengers, makes brief announcements, and puts away the microphone forgetting to turn it off. His last words are heard in the passenger cabin:"... and now I am going to have a cup of coffee and then f**** a stewardess."
One of the stewardesses, hearing his words, starts rushing to the cockpit to tell him that he hasn't turned off the microphone. One of the passengers stops her and says:"Didn't you hear? first he has to drink coffee...". |
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A wife to husband: "you know what? you are such a loser, no matter what you do, you are always a loser. And even if there was a contest for the world's biggest loser, you would get the second place."
husband:" but why a second place?" wife: "Because you are such a loser". |
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" :tongue2: |
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Three women, two younger and one senior
citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there’s a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The other looks at her questioningly, “that was my pager” she said, “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm”. A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear, when she finished she explained. “That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand”. The older woman felt very low tech, not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When she returned a piece of toilet paper was hanging from her rear end. The other two women raised their eyebrows and stared embarrassingly at her. The older woman without missing a beat finally said……..”Well, will you look at that – I’m getting a FAX!!!!” |
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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu. He was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. "Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat." The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one. The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago!" |
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BOB & THE BLONDE
Bob, a handsome chap, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money... |
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Don't sweat the petty things.
& Don't pet the sweaty things.:original: |
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-Do you speak english ?
-Yes! -Name? -Abdul al-Rhazib. -Sex? -Three to five times a week. -No, no! I mean male or female? -Yes, male, female, sometimes camel. -Holy cow! -Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. -But isn't that hostile? -Horse style, doggy style, any style! -Oh dear! -No, no! Deer run too fast... |
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Now I get it!!
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'. Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable 'Service' Civil 'Service' Customer 'Service' State, City & County Public 'Service' This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am. |
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Want to hear a dirty joke? OK, imagine "Gabriela's Enema" as a porn movie. That was a Mad Magazine cartoon I read in a book when I was 7 years old. "Mommy, What's an enema?" "Oh, Uh, nothing dear you'll find out when you're older...":shocked:
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Maryhill Hurricane Appeal - Please give generously!
Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck. Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street. Rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today. Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill . One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5, said, "It gie'd me a pure fright, so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade, slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching 'Trisha' the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said, "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser." The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of cheese toasties to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers. Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were.. A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added, "There has been a pure Blitz spirit: everybody's been pure blitzed". Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing most sought after includes Fila or Burberry baseball caps, hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shellsuits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include Microwave chips, Gregg's pies , Sugar Puffs, tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado, and glue or hairspray. Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. *Breaking News: Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble. Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. When asked where she was bleeding from, she replied, " Craigmont Avenue, but whit's it got to dae wi' you, ya fudd?" |
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Remeber when cars used to be simple?
This is a bit English so some of you might struggle with it :naughty: Dear 'just about every single mainstream Car Manufacturer I can think of' ; Dear Sir / Madam / Hemaphrodte (note to self : spellcheck that), can you please sod off with airbags, I never asked for them, and I've never had to use one. Having a knobbly Momo 'wheel makes me feel mortal and therefore less inclined to crash. I've never had to use one so they're almost certainly pointless, so sod off with them and save some production costs and weight in the proccess. And while you're at it, bin your ABS/ESP/EBD and all that other safety-related acronym guff, no fecker asked for it, but you fit it to everything anyway. It is the difference between a bareback hump with a leggy blonde and doing it with a dinnerlady equipped with a femidom. You'll be needing a skip to get rid of all this cack, so chuck in cruise control as no-one has ever used it in the UK before due to congestion caused by people trying to interface their bluetooth phone to your fecking useless stereos, sod off with all that while your there please, it doesn't work and I never asked for it. That marketing company that suggested drivers need a trillion cubbyholes everywhere ? The only people who talk to them are bored grannies and shoplifting housewives who don't know 'owt about cars and don't buy them. We don't need cubbyholes, most trousers come fully equipped with pockets now, rendering cubbyholes useless, so sod off with them please. NCAP safety stuff, no-one cares, really, and Pedestrian NCAP ? Sod right off with that ! I'm not chosing a car based on its ablity to protect someone stupid enough to walk in front of my car, Darwinism and all that, drunken students deserve a good mowing down at 2am, mow some feckin' sense into 'em I say ! Eco, this is also a load of ***cing nonsense, if they want eco, tell em to catch the bus. I don't want eco, I want performance ! I want lots and lots of cylinders and lots and lots of cc's of lovely ooomph ! I don't need factory fit satnav at ten times the price of a decent TomTom that I can use in other cars, heated seats and electric roofs on cabrios. This is all rubbish and you can sod off with it. Aircon, used twice a year if we're lucky, weighs a lot, costs a lot, so bin it. Bring back sunroofs, and not a cost-delete-factory-additional-thats-another-£1500-Mr-Duisberg-Please-can-you-ask-your-kids-not-to-touch-that-please-its-very-expensive jobby either. Fag lighters, bin 'em, CD changers also redundant. If you want to listen to 6 CDs one after another maybe you should go to a bloody disco, so sod off with that too. I never asked for a Catalclysmic converter or whatever it is called, they're expensive when they break and soak up too much go. Its all bloody rubbish and i hate it all so sod off with it. Auto wipers ? Sod off. Auto lights ? Sod right off, I don't want people thinking I'm flashing them when they come on because a small dark cloud has wafted past. Or driven through the West Midlands, which is much the same. Auto box ? Sod off to Corby ! On a Friday night !!! I want to drive, not listen to some mechnical moo-ing while a computer decides what gear I should be in. I'll pick thank you, I know where the torque is. Launch control ? Sod off, I'll take care of that thanks, with the 'go' pedal. Headlight wash-wipe ? Who asked for that ? Who ? A twwat who doesn't own a sponge, thats who. I also request that you publicy crucify the berk who created all those niches we never needed but who thought they knew better. Display their corpse as a warning to others. Don't muck about, you know what I mean, SUV, SAV, MPV, did you think we'd buy these as well as real cars ? We didn't, did we ? Shi tty cars with stupid ride height and glued on plastic. Sod off with all that. You can make do with saloon, estate, coupe, cabrio, job done so sod off. And one for good luck - sod off. Yours (etc) Rich Dusiberg bit further down the thread..... Oh yeah ! Run-flats, please sod off with those, worse ride and more expensive to replace than normal tyres, and sod off with your foam-in-a-can tyre repair kits, I would like to stick one up the nose of the guy who invented that, and sod off with that crappy lever system to adjust seat backs, we want a simply wheel for adjustment, not a bit of airfix quality plastic that makes the whole seat back flap about. Sod off with manuals/labels in 12 languages because you're too feckin' tight to make different manuals/labels for each market. Sod off with your scrappage scheme, sod off with your 'limited edition' models, which are limited only by the amount of gullible twunts who'll buy the base model because it has some natty badges and the word 'limited edition' associated with it. Sod off with anti-trap windows because they stick when the runners get dirty, let a few kids lose their fingers instead, that'll teach 'em. Towing eyes that are hidden, they can sod off, and anything ANYTHING with a plastic grill that is silver coloured to make it look like metal, despite having the structural integrity of tupperware can sod off. Likewise with silver coloured interor trim that isn't metal. How about I pay you in plastic coins painted silver ? No, you'd be telling me to sod off, wouldn't you ?! So sod off yourself. :lmao: |
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Good reason for a bloke not to argue with his wife while in the shower.
http://projectavalon.net/forum/pictu...pictureid=6962 "OUCH!!!" |
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Dont know how you link it so you will have to click on it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b7DKQx5SCw :naughty: |
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Officials have confirmed that Micheal Jackson is dead but they are not sure whether to blame it on the sunshine, the moonlight, the good times or the boogey
:zip: Sorry British way of dealing with stuff is to make a joke about it :original: |
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British humor always is a winner in all aspects of life.
Long live THE GOONS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nebe1zuEtbc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSSGiA4f5cs&NR=1 |
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policia de mexico muy estupida
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R3o6DCl0wM (about a 1 min. street vid clip of a bank robbery in Mexico) **MUST WATCH**:mfr_lol: |
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