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Re: Quotes and jokes!

That's a great sense of humour!!Oneness.

Re: Quotes and jokes!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Antaletriangle (Post 74124)

That's a great sense of humour!!Oneness.

Thanks Anta...

You have no idea! :mfr_lol: I guess I see the connection in all of us. One. ..and appreciate every single individual one of us. :)

Re: Quotes and jokes!

EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 --- and good information for future use for those who have not yet reached the half century mark.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you
can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb.
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a
full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Re: Quotes and jokes!

Light Hearted

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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who'd think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot. Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking spot, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking spot appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
JAMES BOND: MY HI TECHwatch can read your mind and tells me you aren't wearing panties.

woman: but i am wearing them

JAMES BOND: my watch is 15 minutes fast.

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
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Re: Quotes and jokes!

http://biglizards.net/Graphics/Foreg...HitlerSign.jpg what do these pakistani women know about Hitler?!? just cosplay?

Re: Quotes and jokes!

I really do need threads like this at times.:original:

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”

Re: Quotes and jokes!

Quote:

Originally Posted by capreycorn (Post 74509)

http://www.lies.com/wp/images/2007/01/bonkers.jpg

Hilarious. I love the Onion.

One of my old roommates had this clipping on his door for the entire semester, we all took to calling him "Gen. Bonkers".

I used to work at a pizza place where I tacked this up in the back.

http://www.theonion.com/content/file...n_news2292.jpg

"Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High"

Re: Quotes and jokes!

4 more of the same go to social groups ,lighten up LOL ,
loads a LOL there .
keep the balance
hope to c u comics there
thanks rhythmm .

Re: Quotes and jokes!

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f@%k’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

Re: Quotes and jokes!

lol -- "FEAR", dunno? mayhaps FEARLESS?

---

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Re: Quotes and jokes!

Why are there only male pilots?

Cause they're in a cockpit not a box office

Re: Quotes and jokes!