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GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN…

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to

process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly

get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said,

“I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they

discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get

married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in

Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted.

“It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

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In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxcillin and advil is also called ibuprofen.

The fda has been looking for a generic name for viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts,
it recently announced that it has settled on the name mycoxafloppin
, mydixadrupin,
mydixarizin,
dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

Pfizer corp. Announced today
that viagra will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by pepsi cola
as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man
to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails' , 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of; mount & do.

Thought for the day;
there is more money being spent on breast implants
and viagra today than on alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040
there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away
there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Ta ta for now.

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Now that's funny eXchanger! HaHa

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Kids Are Quick
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: ; You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: ; Mayb e it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
____________ _________ _________ ____





PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!

love, susan
the eXchanger

Will it to be, so, it will be
Simply susan aka White lotus star
The eXchanger

LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

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Six year old Tommy had gone to the shopping mall with his grandad. After an hour he realised they had got separated in the crowd. Now Tommy had always been told by his parents that if he ever got lost, or got into trouble of some sort, he should go and find a policeman. So that was what Tommy did. :original:

"Please officer, I've lost my grandad in the crowd.":sad:
"Okay sonny, what's he like?"
Tommy thought for a few seconds then replied, "Johnny Walker Black Label, and ladies with big tits." :shocked:

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Quality.

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eXchanger and Brinty funny jokes , Thanks for the good laughs:mfr_lol:

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You're too kind judy, :wub2: I'm only doing what comes naturally. My wife tells me I even laugh in my sleep. :naughty: (I also do other things in my sleep - but we won't go there.) :original:

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A bloke is having trouble maintaining an erection. He's tried cure after cure but nothing works. In desperation, he visits a Chinese herbalist. He's given a small vial of powder and the following instructions, "Sprinkle on dinner, when comfortable in bed, say, 'one, two, three.' You will be able to perform for as long as you or your wife desire. When you are satisfied, you or your wife just need to say, 'one, two, three, four.' But, be aware that once you say that, the powder will not work for another twelve months."

So the chap rushes home in great excitement. At the dinner table he sprinkles the powder as directed then can hardly wait to get to bed. When he and his wife are settled in bed, she gives him a peck on the cheek, then turns her back to him and snuggles down under the covers.

He waits for a few seconds, takes a deep breath and counts, "One, two, three." Just as he starts to feel arousal, his wife turns to him on one elbow, and asks, "What did you say .one, two, three, for?"

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Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.

That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much boned no matter what you wish for. Unless of course, it's death by meteor.

If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.

Your role in life may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.

A bacon double whopper is NOT a novelty sex toy!

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Watch how you word things!! Extracted from Actual Advertisements

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced employees will care for your child. Fenced play area, meals, and smacks included in fees.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner Special — Turkey £2.35; Chicken or Beef £2.25; Children £2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Great Dames for sale.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Work Wanted: Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for £10.00.

Lost: Small poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetising forms.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Mother’s helper, peasant working conditions.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.


:original:

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The WalMart Greeter

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart
> greeter, a good
> > > find for
> > > many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
> > >
> > > About two hours into my first day on the job a
> very loud,
> > > unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the
> store with
> > > her two
> > > kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
> through the
> > > entrance.
> > > As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
> 'Good
> > > morning, and welcome
> > > to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are
> they
> > > twins?'
> > >
> > > The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to
> say,
> > > 'Hell no, they
> > > ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the
> other
> > > one's 7. Why the
> > > hell would you think they're twins? Are you
> blind, or
> > > just stupid?'
> > >
> > > So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor
> stupid,
> > > Ma'am, I just couldn't
> > > believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and
> thank you
> > > for
> > > shopping at Wal-Mart.'
> > >
> > > My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out
> for this
> > > line of work.

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hehe :naughty:

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THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was ******.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

:shocked:

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HaHa :thumb_yello:

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Two eggs in a carton. A boy egg, and a girl egg. The girl egg sidles up to the boy egg and asks, "can we be friends?"
"Okay," answered the boy egg.
"Can we be close friends?" she asks.
"Yes, That'll be okay."
"I mean, can we be really close friends?"
"Well, yes." replies the boy egg.
" No," says the girl egg as she moves in even closer to the boy egg. "I mean really, really, close friends."
The boy egg swallows and replies in a shaky voice, "Uhm, y-yes, We can be close friends."
The girl egg moves in until she makes bodily contact and starts to take her shell off.
The boy egg suddenly loses his nerve and rolls away shouting , "No, no, please, no."
The girl egg is more that a little put out at this reaction and wants to know what is wrong.
"Well," says the boy egg, "if you do that, take your shell off, I'll go hard. And every time I go hard, someone bashes me over the head with a spoon and sprinkles salt and pepper on me then eats me."

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The youngest member of a football team is about to get married. In a private meeting with the team coach, he admits that he is still a virgin and has no idea how to go about consummating his upcoming marriage. The coach, a fatherly figure to the team members says, "well son, I can only plant a suggestion in your mind. Nature has a way of taking control in moments like this, but to get you started, when you get into bed on your wedding night, place your hand on your wife's stomach and gently rubbing it say, 'I love you darling.' You'll find that nature will carry on from there."

So, on their wedding night the young couple climb into bed. The new husband places his hand on his wife's stomach and in a voice trembling with a mixture of apprehension and desire, manages to say in a falsetto, "I love you darling."

His wife snuggles up to him and says, "lower darling, lower." So, taking a big breath and clearing his throat, he says in a deep bass voice, "I love you darling."

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A good errrrrrr vegetarian joke?

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The First of April...so lets not be too serious with all this G20 stuff....here's a couple for you:

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns round and says "Don't worry, that was an insect". To which her son replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that".....

++++++++

I was walking in a cemetry this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning". He replied "No, just having a sh*t"......

++++++++

Have a great day!

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Pat was a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He'd won $500,000 and with only one lifeline left - phone a friend - he was having a crack at the final question which was:

Which of these birds does not build its own nest?
A - sparrow
B - thrush
C - cuckoo
D - starling

Pat frowns, scratches his head and decides to phone a friend. Mike answers the phone and Pat repeats the question.

"Oh that's easy, its the cuckoo," says Mike.

Pat hangs the phone up and tells the show's presenter that he'll go with cuckoo.

There is a long pause and then the presenter screams , "Pat, you have just won $1,000,000! Congratulations!

The next day, Pat takes his friend Mike to the pub for drinks and a meal. "Tell me Mike, how did you know it was a cuckoo?"

"Well," says Mike, "it was easy. Everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."